EggsOverEggs

I Hate The Internets.

I do.  I really really do.  That may sound weird coming from someone who has a web log and tells total strangers intimate details about his life for no particular reason via the INTERNET, but I can tell you with no great hyperbole that I hate it.  It’s not that I don’t have fun with some of the content on the internet.  I believe it is a vast source of information.  One certainly can learn about anything he so chooses with a few clicks of a button.  The internet has made in-store shopping obsolete.  You can buy anything you want online.  Food, vacuum cleaners, animals, hats, viruses, drugs anything.   You can read books online.  You can watch movies online.  You can order movie tickets online.  You can even video chat with your mom while ordering a delicious Pizza Hut pizza.  And for all this, I hate that fucking internet.

I can’t stand the stupid language that has evloved from AIM and MSN and thousands of different chat rooms.  Do you really have to write LOL at the beginning and end of every sentence?  You’re starting to sound insecure.  LMAO?  Dude just write “that was funny”  How hard is that?  And then there’s that stupid fucking lolcatz shit where they take pictures of cats doing retarted things and make captions for the photos using poor grammar and incorrect spelling.  How dumb can humor get?  I mean…what the fuck is that?

Then there’s the whole anti-social aspect of the internet.  I understand that there are a ton of chat rooms, discussion boards, facebook, twitter, myspace, that video chat site I can’t think of the name of because it has a retarted name, but none of these come even remotely close to what I would consider “being social”.  If you are sitting in a room by yourself staring at a computer screen, it does not matter how many people are looking into a camera starting back at you.  YOU ARE ALONE, and you’re going to stay that way until you can pull yourself away from the internets.  In order to be social you must physically be around other people.  You cannot make real friends over the internet even if you think they really “get you”.  Nor can you reproduce over the internet.  There is no button on your keyboard to have a little robot pop out of your computer and rob you of your sperm and then travel through the internet lines to inseminate some girl you met on MSN from Russia.  It just doesn’t work like that…cause Bill Gates hasn’t invented it yet. 

All that being said, I will tell you that I am a pretty big hypocrite.  I have a facebook page.  My AIM is always up and runnning and I’ve had the same SN since I was 15.  That’s ten years to those of you who don’t know how old I am.  (That would be 25 to those of you who don’t know how to do math.)  In addition, I am hopelessly addicted to youtube because you really can find videos about absolutely anything on there and you really can stay on it for hours and never get bored.  Its. Fucking. Amazing. 

Sometimes when I’m not dicking around on the internet, I’m thinking about dicking around on the internet.  I could be at work or outside walking around and I’ll see something that will trigger a memory of something I saw on youtube.  I could be listening to a conversation or reading a book and come across a word I’ve never heard before.  Some really cool sounding word that I want to get to know, and I’ll have to make a mental note to go on to google and look it up.  Did you know if you type “define:” followed by the word you want to define in the google search, google will give you the definition?  Worried you spelled it wrong?  It don’t fuckin matter because google will know what you’re talking about.  Sometimes I play a little game with google.  I call it the letter game. I’ll take any letter of the alphabet and type it into the google search bar.  Just one single letter, and I’ll try to guess what the first search suggestion google gives me will be.  For instance; If I type the letter “a” the first search suggestion that comes up will be “amazon” as in “amazon.com”.  You should try it sometime.  It’s really quite entertaining.  Sometimes I’ll hear a song on the radio that maybe I’ve never heard before but I really like it.  I try to remember just one line of the song.  Maybe a line from the chorus if possible, and I’ll try to keep it in my head until I can get to a computer.  Then I’ll type that one line of the song into the google search bar and boom! There’s the song, all the lyrics and the option to download it for 99 cents and have the ringtone sent to my cell.  Sometimes I think the google machine just “gets me”.  You know?  Or maybe I want to read up on King Henry VIII.  Did all of his wives die or just some of them?  Well that’s what wikipedia’s for.  Maybe you saw some weird car part they were talking about on the last episode of “Pinks All Out” and you were like “what the fuck is that thing?”  Well you can just go on wikipedia and type in the name of that alien car part and read up on it to your heart’s content. 

Yes for all these things I really and truely hate the internet.  I am a lazy, lazy man and there is no reason why my life derserves to be any easier.  Every minute I spend on the internet is a minute I’m not spending reading a book, exercising, hanging out with friends/family, going on a date, kicking my cat, kicking my neighbor’s cat, kicking my neighbor or any of the vast amount of activities that make this life worth living.  So I implore all of you to please turn off your internets once in a while and enjoy life before you become an amorphous blob that gets raped in a chair by a sperm robbing robot.  Yeah.